I’m A Failure

November 4, 2018

I’m a failure.

First class, certified, without a doubt failure. I’ve moved 6 times in New York City over a span of 4 years, I’ve been rejected for many job applications that would have provided more stability and financial security, I’ve struggled to pay rent, I’ve lost friendships I thought were some of my closest confidants, I’ve been rejected by more auditions than I can remember, and I have yet to accomplish the one thing that brought me to NYC - performing on Broadway. I should just pack up, head out, let it all go.

This fight to not only survive but somehow have meaning and significance is just too much sometimes. It’s cliche, but the rat race of life - this proverbial hamster wheel of NYC - can drive me crazy! When do I get my chance in the Broadway spotlight? When will my bank account allow me to invest in the amazing and exciting ideas I want to bring to life? When will I finally feel significant in this city, and when will I stop feeling judged and belittled by others? I guess I just gotta keep my head down, take every opportunity I can to get attention, and claw my way to the top. Once I’m there, what a platform I will have to be a voice, to make change, to influence the world. I will be an aspiration to my fans and followers alike; a glamorous success story worthy of envy. I will become great; I will become more than my failure.

I’m a success.

First class, certified, without a doubt success. I’ve experienced life and community in multiple New York City neighborhoods, God has saved me from jobs that would have taken time and energy away from other important work, I’ve learned humility in many moments I have struggled to pay rent, I’ve learned the power of healing and forgiveness as my relationships have changed and evolved, I’ve grown in my talent and character as I have created a career as a performer in the face of adversity, and the opportunity to grace a Broadway stage still shines as a bright possibility in my future! Each day I wake up, head out, and try to let it all go! The fight to survive can become too much of a burden without meaning and significance. It’s cliche, but I live the life I make - how I react to the craziness of it all is up to me.

I must posture myself to face life with gratitude so that I treasure each chance to be on stage and hone my craft; invest in my amazing and exciting ideas without creating excuses; find significance not in promoting myself but in loving those around me; and stop judging and belittling others. I’ve gotta keep my head up, appreciate every opportunity God brings my way, and enjoy the journey - wherever it may lead. My voice and actions must be used to change the world and be an inspiration regardless of fame, fans or followers. I AM great; I AM more than any failure.

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